Where to start?

Gosh, I have so much on my mind.

I guess the most prominent in my mind right now is something posted on Alternet. It is about a poll that shows that 16% of Americans think its ok for a man to hit their wives. Wow! Really?! Ummmm.......ooookkkkkaaaayyyyy.

First of all, I have a hard time with this, absorbing it or agreeing with alot of opinions about it......or.....whatever! As a person who has been abused at the hands of a man, domestic violence that is, I go kinda haywire when I see or hear about it. It ain't funny and it ain't pretty and it ain't right! No person, no man or woman, has the right to hit or use any other kind of abuse against another. Ever!

My first husband hit me. It happened twice. I will never forget and neither will he, I'm sure. We were both young and wrong and complicit. I knew what buttons to push and I pushed them and he did what he did. I am not excusing his behavior because I know it was wrong and so does he. I am not excusing my behavior either. I should have walked away. I know that had I done that, it wouldn't have gone where it did. I learned a lesson from this, forgiveness. It took me many years but I forgave and it made a whole world of difference in my life. That doesn't mean there isn't pain when remembering it, it just means that the pain has meaning.

My second husband was a different story. Mental abuse is worse in so many ways. I won't say I was complicit in any way with this. I wasn't. Add a line...... Add a line that borders on physical, add to that the mental, and you get something that is a whole different animal. This animal is unforgivable..... This animal comes from a place totally different. This animal comes from a place deep seated in a man, a place that very few see and very few can heal. The signs were all there from the beginning but I overlooked them because of the charm  and the hurt I could see and feel on the surface.

There is nothing in the world that will take me there again. This much I know is true. I will live alone before I will commit myself to a relationship I have doubts about. This much I have learned, this much I have absorbed. I can, and will, take care of myself. Had I known that then, I wouldn't have taken myself into the nightmare of my second marriage. Now, it is done. Now I have no faith except for the faith in me and those who were there and have been there for me all through it. They are special and few.

You can't heal a hurt deep within. I figured this out before I almost died trying. He was not for this world because he couldn't heal or overcome his demons and neither could I. Now, I just live my life knowing no-one will ever heal me. What is done is done and I am a skittish horse, ever wary and ever not to be owned by anyone but me. I know this much is true.


On to another subject.........

I am beyond with our politicians. They need to figure out a budget and they need to get it done. They need to focus on job creation and making this country what it should be. We are a country of innovation and ideas. We are a country that doesn't give up. We deserve better than what they are giving us and if they don't want to do what is right they need to voted out so someone with big ideas and some gumption can take over.

Our children do not have the chances we had. I recieved a Pell Grant for my college expenses, it paid for everything except living expenses while I was in college. I had to support myself but it paid for my education. My daughter, who is supporting herself, and has already taken on loans for schooling, cannot get a Pell Grant. Why? Idk. I guess because they think she makes too much based on whatever standards they set. Like someone making 25 thou a year and paying for their housing, food, car, insurance, and school loans is living high on the hog! Really?! WTF? That is barely scraping by ya'all.

That is barely makin it and she wants to better herself. She wants to become a registered nurse and maybe a doctor but they can't help her do that. They can't help the people in this nation who want to better this nation be they sure as hell can help those who don't give a shit about helping themselves and they sure as hell can help those who are already rich and need no help at all! This is nonsense. This is what is taking our nation to the brink. This is why we need to stand up and make our voices heard.

We are better than this. We are a nation built on hard work and believing in that hard work. We are a nation built on innovation and pushing to the top those who want to help themselves and others around them. We are a nation built on not only capitalism but also on socialism. Anyone who believes otherwise doesn't see this country for what is true about it. We are a nation made from scratch. We are better than this.

We've had our battles to be sure. We have fought each other over ideals that were necessary, like freedom, be it over religion or monarchy or slavery, womens rights and the right of all men to be equal. We have fought those battles and we have reached an agreement however flawed those agreements have been and however many times we have had debates on those freedoms. Our freedoms make us the envy of other nation's peoples. In spite of what is happening. people still want to come to America because of those freedoms.

We are losing ground. We are becoming a nation of fear. It takes a village, or a town, a city or a state, but we can do better. We can look inside ourselves and find what we are and be what we always have been. We can be The United States of America. We only have to work together to do this. This is possible and it is good and it is what we need to do.  Vote and get rid of the politicians who only care for themselves. Use your voice to be heard and make our country what it needs to be. Tell everyone you know that you want them to vote for our country and for our people and not for the monied interests (be it corporations who are outsourcing jobs, or corporations who want you to do the work of three people, or singularily rich people who could care less about you as long as they get what they want) who want to better themselves but not everyone else. Listen closely to what is being said, do not ignore and do not say it isn't your problem because it is. We The People of The United States of America stand up for our rights! We are better than what we are being handed  every day and I, for one, do not want to become paid slave labor in America.